Homeward

I’m all out of performances here. Prayers I say and promises I don’t keep like it might lift the Curtain. Nudging it hard, fabric tunnels round my fist without tearing. Tuning the radio, twisting the dial, but every station a null signal. Words could hardly convey my devastation over the past one thousand, two hundred and seventy-nine days; how badly I should make myself pay. But my head’s been blurry, listlessly dropping every ill-formed thought when I try to give my retribution speech. You probably want The Punisher I used to be, burning every misstep into nothing but incinerator debris. What a party trick, winding the hour hand thirty thousand, two hundred and nineteen times back. Watching a thermometer turn so cold it cracks, and my own Will wanders up the ceiling, presiding over every inch of our sweet prison, a short stay that made me, until the fight floods back in my face. Tell me something too good to be true, tell me we can do it again. Say it like you might, though shorn of the severity that once set you apart. You could’ve compromised, kept the good parts; how to just not. How to hold one candy in your mouth til the gelatin softens and spit it out. To know sustenance makes you slavish, better to let it rot outside the body, rolled up in a napkin in the lower-left drawer. True, decay can carve out space for a rose to bloom, but you’ve proven far from a delight. Keep trying, drowning weeds in synthetic light from a forgiving mind, cruelly entertaining a web of nice lies.

I built a road between my mind and heart and started walking. It felt uneasily serene so in a split-second, made a mad dash back. 

For a moment this body was sacred and ephemeral, nonsolid  something soft and warm torrenting through it  Before it returned to the ache of steel springs tight layer of cracked paint and aluminum pits for eyes  an echoing apparatus What with the rapid launch of new system upgrades its retail value diminishes everyday

You should know better. That a starved heart will feed itself, hallucinate bridges and build towns with a golden glow happy tears for a home sealed by cement here, in your head a key but rehearsing the dream is taking it out of me I abhor that Girl, should lie in these reeds stinging cheeks and mud-caked knees, settle your tremors and stand upright, train your bones to be Just Fine I had a phony feeling about this road, no I don’t think we should walk it.

Hashem, are you on the other side?  Did you sew this heart, did you not paint these eyes would you take me back, when You gave me life and I  pushed every chance to the side  false promises, fear, a coward should meet his demise trying again one million times, go on slam the door I don’t deserve to be your child anymore. and I will melt down to the floor, strain my hearing a little more for a fragment of my Father’s voice and I will be as still as the moon while wishing you held me through the night I Love You even when you’re out of sight